That's Jokes
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…this one's for @Oaktavia!
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…@Oaktavia just poking fun at the soon to be hitched!
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Caldwell the butler was tidying up one of the manor bedrooms when the lady of the house unexpectedly came breezing in.
Fixing him with a mesmerizing gaze, the Lady Worthington said "Caldwell, attend me please," motioning him over with a wave of her hand.
As he drew near, she asked in a quiet voice, "Caldwell, please… take off my dress."
Caldwell swallowed hard but, his training fully ingrained, realized his duty to accede to the Lady Worthington's wishes. Gently, he put his hands on the buttons of her dress and slowly started to undo them, one by one. More and more skin was revealed until finally, her dress slid off and puddled to the floor.
"Now, Caldwell," she commanded, "take off my bra."
With trembling fingers and fumbling for a moment, he unclasped her bra and pulled it off.
"And now, Caldwell ... my panties," she continued, "I want you to take them off too."
He hooked his fingers in the waistband of her panties and slowly, ever so slowly, slid them down to the floor on top of her other clothes.
"Thank you, Caldwell," she said cocking her head and setting her arms akimbo. "Now...
... if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic.
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
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A lady, let's call her Susan, is walking past a pet shop when she spies a beautiful parrot in the window. Susan goes in to enquire.
"That parrot is beautiful" she says to the shop keeper, admiring its magnificent plumage, which seems iridescent in the late afternoon sun streaming through the glass.
"Aye, that he is" says the shop keep. "To be honest, I don't know what to do with him and am thinking of letting him go for free to a good home. He's got a history that parrot, and I think he deserves a quiet retirement."
"Oh?" says Susan, her interest piqued. "Please do tell me, I'd be interested in taking him home."
"Well, the thing is, he used to belong to the madam of a large brothel on the other end of town. The place got busted a few years ago and he had to go into witness protection for a few years. He's given his evidence to the courts now, they've banged up all the pimps and traffickers, and apparently with no better ideas what to do with him, the authorities gave him to me to deal with. So, like I say, free to a good home, I think he deserves it."
Susan considers the story only briefly - she had been watching the parrot's beautiful feathers sparkle, seemingly changing between every colour she could name and then some she couldn't - before agreeing to take him. Out of gratitude to the shop keeper and sparing no expense, she buys all the accessories such a beautiful parrot could ever want: a grand cage, a velvet cover, the works.
Excitedly, Susan rushes home with her new pet. She plants the cage in the living room and whips the cover off.
The parrot blinks in the sudden light, looks around the room, and squawks "Raaaawwwwk, new room, I like it!".
Hearing the unusual sound of squawking, Susan's two daughters enter the room. The parrot looks them up and down and after a drawn out wolf-whistle remarks "RAAAAwwwwk, new girls, I REALLY like it!".
Susan's husband pokes his head through the door to see what all the commotion is about and the parrot says "Oh, hello Keith!"
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Man from the city goes hunting with his dog in the English countryside. A duck flies out of the reeds and the man shoots it down with a loud bang, and his faithful hound goes to retrieve the duck. When he comes back, the dog is being followed by a portly, red-faced farmer.
"'Ello there" says the farmer, "I think your dog has my duck. I'll be takin' that".
"Oh no", says the city-boy. "I shot it with my gun and my dog retrieved it. It's my duck."
"Aye, but you're on my land, so it was my duck in the first place" says the farmer.
"But you forget that I was on a public right of way" retorts the city slicker.
"Seems to me that we've got a dispute then" says the farmer, in a thick west-country drawl. "Tell you what, we've got time 'onoured traditions to settle these things, if you're game? What it is is that you stand there in the path, with your 'ands be'ind your back and your legs slightly apart, and I get to kick you in the nuts. Then I'll stand there on the path, with my 'ands be'ind my back and my legs slightly apart and you kick me in the nuts. And we'll go on like that until one man yields, and the other gets to keep the duck. What say you?"
"Far be it from me to refuse a country tradition" says the man, "I accept".
"Right then, stand there as I said" says the farmer, as he starts to walk away from the out-of-towner.
The farmer hefts his rotund frame about 50 yards down the path and gets on his haunches to take a run-up at the man. The man swallows hard out of trepidation, but dutifully stands as he promised, with his hands behind his back and his legs slightly apart. The farmer takes a surprisingly quick run towards the man and kicks him square in the balls.
About 15 minutes pass. After the man has recovered from vomiting, swearing, crying and weeping, he stands up, composes himself and says, wincing "Yep, you got them both square on. That was a good kick! Right, now it's my turn".
"You're alright", says the farmer, "you can keep the duck."
