That's Jokes
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Ventriloquist
He's a ventriloquist walking around the countryside.
A storm is coming, driving rain is falling on him. He sees a farm. The peasant welcomes him and even offers him a snack. Once the good weather returns, the ventriloquist tells himself that to thank his host, he will use his artistic skills.He goes to a hen and makes her talk:
"How is your life on the farm"?
"Well, he steals my eggs in the morning but that's fine"
Then the turn of the cow.
"How is your life on the farm?"
"I'm also fine despite the fact that he touches my udders every morning and steals my milk."
As he walks towards a goat, the feverish peasant exclaims:
"Don't listen to her, she's a liar"
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A Scotsman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are comparing their local pubs.
"At McTavish's place, The Full Haggis in Aberdeen, McTavish will buy your fifth pint every time you buy four. It's the best deal going!"
"No" says the Englishman. "The Red Lion in London is the best pub around. So much history, it's an icon, and every 3rd pint is on the house for us regulars!"
"Ah dat's nothin" says the Irishman "at my local, in Kilkenny, they'll buy you one drink, then another, all the drinks you can manage really. Then when you're done drinking they'll take you upstairs and make sure that you get laid all night long!"
"Bullshit" say the other two. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Well, not to me, no" the Irishman admits, "but it's happened to me sister a bunch o' times!"
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Older and Wiser
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!
Moral of This Story
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience. -
that's great @ARNC
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Old man is called in by the tax authorities to explain his extraordinarily lavish lifestyle on his modest pension. He takes his lawyer with him.
Taxman challenges the old man to explain himself. The old man explains that there is nothing crooked going on, he is just a very talented gambler.
The old man asks the taxman if he would like a little wager, and bets the taxman that he can bite his own eye, for £1,500. The taxman, thinking this task impossible, accepts the easy bet. The old man pops his glass eye out of its socket, bites it quickly, then pops it back in his head.
"Fuck" says the taxman, before the old man offers him "double-or-nothing, I bet I can also bite the other eye". The taxman can see that the old man is clearly not blind, so he takes the bet. The old man promptly pops out his dentures, uses them in his hand to bite his good eye gently, and then puts his dentures back in.
"Shiiiit" says the taxman, angry to have been fooled twice to the tune of £3,000, and in front of the old man's lawyer no less! There's no way he's wriggling out of a fair bet, with witnesses.
"One more, double-or-nothing" says the old man. "I bet I can stand on one side of your desk and piss over your desk so that all the piss lands in that wastepaper bin on the other side, and not a drop will land on your desk".
"You're on" says the taxman, grateful to have the chance to get out of his predicament. "Not even a young man could maintain the powerful stream which would be needed to keep my desk completely dry".
The old man goes to the side of the long desk, gets his dick out, and starts to piss. Just as the taxman predicted, the old man had no power behind him, and the piss went all over his desk in a pathetic dribble, soaking all of his papers and files, and causing his laptop to suddenly fizzle out with a spark.
"Yes!" yelled the taxman, jumping out of his chair with his arms overhead "pay up old man, you owe me £6,000!".
"Fuuuuuuck!" yelled the lawyer, dropping his head into his hands. "This old motherfucker bet me £50,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
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An Arab is lost in the desert, without any supplies, baking under the hot midday sun, when he sees a man sat atop a dune in the distance. He approaches, hoping it is not a mirage. He is correct, and the man turns out to be sat behind a beautiful Persian rug, upon which are laid numerous neckties, in all colours, patterns and shapes. Beside each style is a little card indicating that these ties are for sale for the most extortionate prices the Arab has ever seen.
"Please" begs the Arab as he comes close to the man, "water… I'm dying of thirst... do you have any water?"
"Why hello good sir! Are you here to buy a tie?" says the tie salesman, cheerily.
"No... water... please... do you have any? I'm so thirsty!"
"I am afraid I do not have any water sir" says the salesman, "but I think a tie is just what you need to smarten you up. Your shirt looks a little dusty, and I have numerous ties which would compliment your ensemble quite nicely!"
"No, thank you... Please... you must have water..." pleads the Arab.
"Alas, I do not have water" says the salesman "I drank heartily before leaving home this morning. But I know of a restaurant a few miles East of here which will surely have water. But are you sure that you won't buy a tie? There are no other tie salesmen serving this area, and you will continue to look a bit shabby until you get one!"
"Thank you" says the Arab, politely deciding not to say anything about the salesman's overbearing sales patter or extortionate prices, before he starts in the direction of the restaurant.
A few hours later the tie salesman is packing up his wares for the day when the Arab returns, crawling, on his hands and knees and clutching his parched throat from his desperate thirst.
"Ah, hello again!" says the tie salesman. "Did you find the restaurant?"
"Yes" said the Arab "but your fucking brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
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Good one @Kasi!
such a prick
