That's Jokes
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that's great @ARNC
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Old man is called in by the tax authorities to explain his extraordinarily lavish lifestyle on his modest pension. He takes his lawyer with him.
Taxman challenges the old man to explain himself. The old man explains that there is nothing crooked going on, he is just a very talented gambler.
The old man asks the taxman if he would like a little wager, and bets the taxman that he can bite his own eye, for £1,500. The taxman, thinking this task impossible, accepts the easy bet. The old man pops his glass eye out of its socket, bites it quickly, then pops it back in his head.
"Fuck" says the taxman, before the old man offers him "double-or-nothing, I bet I can also bite the other eye". The taxman can see that the old man is clearly not blind, so he takes the bet. The old man promptly pops out his dentures, uses them in his hand to bite his good eye gently, and then puts his dentures back in.
"Shiiiit" says the taxman, angry to have been fooled twice to the tune of £3,000, and in front of the old man's lawyer no less! There's no way he's wriggling out of a fair bet, with witnesses.
"One more, double-or-nothing" says the old man. "I bet I can stand on one side of your desk and piss over your desk so that all the piss lands in that wastepaper bin on the other side, and not a drop will land on your desk".
"You're on" says the taxman, grateful to have the chance to get out of his predicament. "Not even a young man could maintain the powerful stream which would be needed to keep my desk completely dry".
The old man goes to the side of the long desk, gets his dick out, and starts to piss. Just as the taxman predicted, the old man had no power behind him, and the piss went all over his desk in a pathetic dribble, soaking all of his papers and files, and causing his laptop to suddenly fizzle out with a spark.
"Yes!" yelled the taxman, jumping out of his chair with his arms overhead "pay up old man, you owe me £6,000!".
"Fuuuuuuck!" yelled the lawyer, dropping his head into his hands. "This old motherfucker bet me £50,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
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An Arab is lost in the desert, without any supplies, baking under the hot midday sun, when he sees a man sat atop a dune in the distance. He approaches, hoping it is not a mirage. He is correct, and the man turns out to be sat behind a beautiful Persian rug, upon which are laid numerous neckties, in all colours, patterns and shapes. Beside each style is a little card indicating that these ties are for sale for the most extortionate prices the Arab has ever seen.
"Please" begs the Arab as he comes close to the man, "water… I'm dying of thirst... do you have any water?"
"Why hello good sir! Are you here to buy a tie?" says the tie salesman, cheerily.
"No... water... please... do you have any? I'm so thirsty!"
"I am afraid I do not have any water sir" says the salesman, "but I think a tie is just what you need to smarten you up. Your shirt looks a little dusty, and I have numerous ties which would compliment your ensemble quite nicely!"
"No, thank you... Please... you must have water..." pleads the Arab.
"Alas, I do not have water" says the salesman "I drank heartily before leaving home this morning. But I know of a restaurant a few miles East of here which will surely have water. But are you sure that you won't buy a tie? There are no other tie salesmen serving this area, and you will continue to look a bit shabby until you get one!"
"Thank you" says the Arab, politely deciding not to say anything about the salesman's overbearing sales patter or extortionate prices, before he starts in the direction of the restaurant.
A few hours later the tie salesman is packing up his wares for the day when the Arab returns, crawling, on his hands and knees and clutching his parched throat from his desperate thirst.
"Ah, hello again!" says the tie salesman. "Did you find the restaurant?"
"Yes" said the Arab "but your fucking brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
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Good one @Kasi!
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What do you call cattle satisfying itself?
(In my defense, no one said it had to be a funny joke)
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LOL–another dad, I see
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A good ol' boy from Alabama is visiting at his parents' house to break the news that he's proposed to his girlfriend. He tells them all the reasons he wants to marry this gal – looks, personality, still got all her teeth, the whole 9 yards -- and they seem thrilled until it accidentally slips that his new fiancée was still a virgin when they met.
His father immediately gets serious and demands, "call off the wedding immediately. You can't marry this woman."
Shocked, the son asks, "but pa, why? I love her!"
His father replies, "son, if she ain't good enough fer' her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"
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Got this one from a young lady we were interviewing for a job last week. We're going to make her a job offer.
3 Irish Catholic priests are in the back of a limo. An Irish Garda pulls them over, and gets off his bike to have a word. He taps on the glass and the priests roll down their window.
"We're looking for 3 paedophiles…" begins the Garda. The first priest immediately starts rolling the window back up again. "Please" says the first priest "let us have a moment to confer".
The priests have a quick word between themselves and quickly come to an agreement. They roll the window back down.
"Ok" says the priest, "we'll do it."
