That's Jokes
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Five nuns have died and find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven as St Peter approaches.
"Before you may pass these gates", he says, "you must purge yourself of any sin".
St Peter turns to the first nun and asks "my child, have you committed any sin for which you need absolution?"
The first nun admits that, on one occasion, she saw a man's genitalia in a magazine.
"Go, my child, to that pool of holy water", he says, pointing at a nearby pool, "and wash your eyes. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the first nun does as she is instructed and passes through the Pearly Gates.
The second nun admits to, once, having pleased herself in a carnal way. "Go, my child" she is bid "and wash your hand in the pool of holy water. Your sins will then be absolved and you may pass into Heaven". And the second nun does as she is instructed, washes her hand and passes through the Pearly Gates.
The third nun admits that, once, before taking her vows and while still a young woman, having intercourse. She had never admitted this to anyone other than God in her prayers out of shame. She is also bid to go to the pool of holy water and deuce herself with the water, which she does, before passing into Heaven.
The fourth nun admits to having had anal sex, again, prior to taking her vows. St Peter instructs her to go to the pool and wash her backside, which she does, before she too passes into Heaven.
"Now then my child" St Peter says, turning to the last nun. "What sin do you need absolution for?"
"If you think I'm gargling that water now you've another think coming!" she replies.
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In case you were born after '90 or are not American, here's context for my "you might be a redneck" jokes.
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real life … me and my mrs driving though the Alps, been hiking, then cruising in my bus to the next spot and listening to SWR2, a local (ahem ...) pop music radio, for an hour or so
me: sorry, but I need to have some heavier music now (sort of, was in german)
she: ok, what do you want me to play (on spotify)
me: let's go for 'ace of spades'
she: ok, I'll put in on... (waiting ..., finally ... coming)
'All that she wants, is another baby ...'
she: [happy]
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Rofl [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
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A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
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A woman is turning 60 this year and wanted to push back the ravages of time by booking in a whole load of plastic surgery at once. She does so, spends a boat-load of cash, and is discharged from hospital, fully healed, by coincidence, on her 60th birthday.
First, she decides to catch up on what has been going on while she convalesced, so she stops by a newsagents. While buying a copy of her favourite paper, she cannot help but test how well her procedures have masked her age, and asks the guy behind the counter how old he thinks she is?
"Mid thirties, madam?" asks the guy.
"Bless you for saying so", she says with a grin, "but I'm actually 60 today!".
Elated, she decides to treat herself to something naughty and heads next into the local McDonalds. While waiting for her food, she decides to ask the young lady behind the counter the same thing:
"If you don't mind my asking, how old do you think I am?"
"Uuuuummm, 29?" asks the younger woman.
"Thank you for saying, but no, I'm actually 60 today!" the woman exclaims, giggling to herself loudly.
After eating her lunch, she decides she'd like some sweets for the journey home, and pops into a local sweet shop for some sherbert lemons. Again, as she is being served, she asks the clerk how old he thinks she is:
"Ma'am, I wouldn't put you a day over 32" comes the reply.
"You are such a sweetie, if you pardon the pun, but I am actually 60 today!".
She then heads to the bus stop to wait for her bus home. At the stop is an old man. She decides to play this guessing game with an older gentleman:
"Madam" he says "I am an old man, and my eyesight is almost completely shot. But in my day, I was always able to tell the exact age of a woman by - and I hope you do not think it too presumptuous of me to day so - fondling her breasts. I could tell you your exact age if you let me do that."
The woman is intrigued by the old man's forwardness and expressed talent. Checking to see that no-one else is around, and given that she already feels sexy-as-hell today, she decides 'what the heck' and agrees to the old man's request, guiding his hands beneath her blouse.
The old man carefully strokes each breast, squeezes them gently, pets them softly from all angles, teases the nipples with his nimble fingers, and measures their weight and bounce in his cupped hands.
This goes on for 5 minutes or so before the woman loses patience and snatches his hands away.
"Enough of that now, you've got to be able to hazard a guess after all that!" she says.
"Madam, you are exactly 60 years old" says the old man.
She is flabbergasted. "How could you possibly know that from fondling my boobs?" she asks.
"Actually, I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds."
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Tsssk, tsssk. Serves him right for not respecting ANY of his barbershop appointments
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@Kasi Good one!
