That's Jokes
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A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
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A woman is turning 60 this year and wanted to push back the ravages of time by booking in a whole load of plastic surgery at once. She does so, spends a boat-load of cash, and is discharged from hospital, fully healed, by coincidence, on her 60th birthday.
First, she decides to catch up on what has been going on while she convalesced, so she stops by a newsagents. While buying a copy of her favourite paper, she cannot help but test how well her procedures have masked her age, and asks the guy behind the counter how old he thinks she is?
"Mid thirties, madam?" asks the guy.
"Bless you for saying so", she says with a grin, "but I'm actually 60 today!".
Elated, she decides to treat herself to something naughty and heads next into the local McDonalds. While waiting for her food, she decides to ask the young lady behind the counter the same thing:
"If you don't mind my asking, how old do you think I am?"
"Uuuuummm, 29?" asks the younger woman.
"Thank you for saying, but no, I'm actually 60 today!" the woman exclaims, giggling to herself loudly.
After eating her lunch, she decides she'd like some sweets for the journey home, and pops into a local sweet shop for some sherbert lemons. Again, as she is being served, she asks the clerk how old he thinks she is:
"Ma'am, I wouldn't put you a day over 32" comes the reply.
"You are such a sweetie, if you pardon the pun, but I am actually 60 today!".
She then heads to the bus stop to wait for her bus home. At the stop is an old man. She decides to play this guessing game with an older gentleman:
"Madam" he says "I am an old man, and my eyesight is almost completely shot. But in my day, I was always able to tell the exact age of a woman by - and I hope you do not think it too presumptuous of me to day so - fondling her breasts. I could tell you your exact age if you let me do that."
The woman is intrigued by the old man's forwardness and expressed talent. Checking to see that no-one else is around, and given that she already feels sexy-as-hell today, she decides 'what the heck' and agrees to the old man's request, guiding his hands beneath her blouse.
The old man carefully strokes each breast, squeezes them gently, pets them softly from all angles, teases the nipples with his nimble fingers, and measures their weight and bounce in his cupped hands.
This goes on for 5 minutes or so before the woman loses patience and snatches his hands away.
"Enough of that now, you've got to be able to hazard a guess after all that!" she says.
"Madam, you are exactly 60 years old" says the old man.
She is flabbergasted. "How could you possibly know that from fondling my boobs?" she asks.
"Actually, I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds."
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Tsssk, tsssk. Serves him right for not respecting ANY of his barbershop appointments
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@Kasi Good one!
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Well then allow me to ruin it: the sequel will be "Nonederballs"
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Ok, so I have a filthy one (but not egregiously so). I was at Eeyore's Birthday this past weekend (an Austin dirtbag hippie mainstay — if you know, you know) and this appropriately dirtbag hippie street poet guy came up to us and offered a joke:
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
…I'll show myself out
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