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Spring/Summer 2025 Collection Preview - Now Live

That's Jokes

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  • J
    Jett129
    見習いボス
    Joined: 17 Aug 2011

    RIP Gilbert Gottfried. One of my all time favorites. 

    last edited by 12 Apr 2022, 21:02 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
    • G
      Giles
      IHUK Crew
      Joined: 22 Sept 2009

      One of the guys I am fishing with, Mathieu, is a French farmer, and is officially as mad as a box of frogs.  We spend all our time laughing, mainly at the absurdity of his observations.

      This was his last wheat harvest…...

      "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

      last edited by 14 Apr 2022, 17:07 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
      • M
        Matt
        見習いボス
        Joined: 4 Oct 2011

        😃

        last edited by 14 Apr 2022, 17:25 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • S
          scooter
          啓蒙家
          Joined: 26 Dec 2015

          Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

          last edited by 17 Apr 2022, 03:52 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • G
            goosehd
            Mod Squad
            Joined: 8 Apr 2016

            @Giles

            A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

            The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”

            "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

            last edited by 18 Apr 2022, 12:10 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • G
              Giles
              IHUK Crew
              Joined: 22 Sept 2009

              hahahahahahahaha

              "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

              last edited by 18 Apr 2022, 12:11 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
              • E
                EdH
                Iron Heart Deity
                Joined: 2 Jan 2022

                A woman is turning 60 this year and wanted to push back the ravages of time by booking in a whole load of plastic surgery at once. She does so, spends a boat-load of cash, and is discharged from hospital, fully healed, by coincidence, on her 60th birthday.

                First, she decides to catch up on what has been going on while she convalesced, so she stops by a newsagents. While buying a copy of her favourite paper, she cannot help but test how well her procedures have masked her age, and asks the guy behind the counter how old he thinks she is?

                "Mid thirties, madam?" asks the guy.

                "Bless you for saying so", she says with a grin, "but I'm actually 60 today!".

                Elated, she decides to treat herself to something naughty and heads next into the local McDonalds. While waiting for her food, she decides to ask the young lady behind the counter the same thing:

                "If you don't mind my asking, how old do you think I am?"

                "Uuuuummm, 29?" asks the younger woman.

                "Thank you for saying, but no, I'm actually 60 today!" the woman exclaims, giggling to herself loudly.

                After eating her lunch, she decides she'd like some sweets for the journey home, and pops into a local sweet shop for some sherbert lemons. Again, as she is being served, she asks the clerk how old he thinks she is:

                "Ma'am, I wouldn't put you a day over 32" comes the reply.

                "You are such a sweetie, if you pardon the pun, but I am actually 60 today!".

                She then heads to the bus stop to wait for her bus home. At the stop is an old man. She decides to play this guessing game with an older gentleman:

                "Madam" he says "I am an old man, and my eyesight is almost completely shot. But in my day, I was always able to tell the exact age of a woman by - and I hope you do not think it too presumptuous of me to day so - fondling her breasts. I could tell you your exact age if you let me do that."

                The woman is intrigued by the old man's forwardness and expressed talent. Checking to see that no-one else is around, and given that she already feels sexy-as-hell today, she decides 'what the heck' and agrees to the old man's request, guiding his hands beneath her blouse.

                The old man carefully strokes each breast, squeezes them gently, pets them softly from all angles, teases the nipples with his nimble fingers, and measures their weight and bounce in his cupped hands.

                This goes on for 5 minutes or so before the woman loses patience and snatches his hands away.

                "Enough of that now, you've got to be able to hazard a guess after all that!" she says.

                "Madam, you are exactly 60 years old" says the old man.

                She is flabbergasted. "How could you possibly know that from fondling my boobs?" she asks.

                "Actually, I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds."

                Take the dive...

                last edited by 25 Apr 2022, 11:17 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                • K
                  Kasi
                  見習いボス
                  Joined: 9 Oct 2014

                  Ha ha ha

                  The world's insane
                  While you drink champagne
                  And I'm livin' in black rain 4Q 🖕

                  last edited by 25 Apr 2022, 16:48 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                  • G
                    Giles
                    IHUK Crew
                    Joined: 22 Sept 2009

                    hahahahaha

                    "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                    last edited by 25 Apr 2022, 17:14 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                    • J
                      Jett129
                      見習いボス
                      Joined: 17 Aug 2011

                      Love it,will definitely be using it!

                      last edited by 25 Apr 2022, 18:08 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                      • motojoboboM
                        motojobobo
                        啓蒙家
                        Joined: 22 Aug 2015

                        Tsssk, tsssk. Serves him right for not respecting ANY of his barbershop appointments

                        The journey is the objective.

                        last edited by 25 Apr 2022, 20:00 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • E
                          EdH
                          Iron Heart Deity
                          Joined: 2 Jan 2022

                          @Kasi Good one!

                          Take the dive...

                          last edited by 26 Apr 2022, 10:24 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                          • neph93N
                            neph93
                            見習いボス
                            Joined: 18 Aug 2014

                            “Some of those that work forces
                            Are the same that burn crosses”

                            • Virginia Woolf
                            last edited by 3 May 2022, 12:04 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                            • DmartD
                              Dmart
                              啓蒙家
                              Joined: 24 Mar 2021

                              So true 😃

                              last edited by 3 May 2022, 12:58 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                              • G
                                Giles
                                IHUK Crew
                                Joined: 22 Sept 2009

                                So apparently, even 007 is going PC.  In the next 007 film, James will undergo a sex change and become Janet Bond.  The working title is Cocktopussy…..

                                "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                                last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:05 5 May 2022, 14:03 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                • AdamCA
                                  AdamC
                                  IHUK Crew
                                  Joined: 12 Jan 2018

                                  😃 This actually made me laugh out loud

                                  last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:09 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                  • G
                                    Giles
                                    IHUK Crew
                                    Joined: 22 Sept 2009

                                    My mission is complete…..

                                    "OK face up to it - you're useless but generally pretty honest and straightforward . . . it's a rare combination of qualities that I have come to admire in you" - Geo 2011

                                    last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:13 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                    • G
                                      goosehd
                                      Mod Squad
                                      Joined: 8 Apr 2016

                                      😃 😃

                                      "I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing, we will do what is best for us and our customers" - Giles P. :)

                                      last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:20 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                      • mclaincauseyM
                                        mclaincausey
                                        見習いボス
                                        Joined: 12 Apr 2013

                                        Well then allow me to ruin it: the sequel will be "Nonederballs"

                                        Think it, be it.

                                        last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:27 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                                        • popvultureP
                                          popvulture
                                          見習いボス
                                          Joined: 2 Oct 2018

                                          Ok, so I have a filthy one (but not egregiously so). I was at Eeyore's Birthday this past weekend (an Austin dirtbag hippie mainstay — if you know, you know) and this appropriately dirtbag hippie street poet guy came up to us and offered a joke:

                                          What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

                                          I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

                                          …I'll show myself out 😶

                                          WTB
                                          IHSH-IHG-BLK XXL
                                          Sugar Cane Coke Stripe SS L charcoal

                                          last edited by 5 May 2022, 14:47 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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